Day Two: Dear Saint --- 2,232 Words

(PS, I’m not Catholic, but I got this idea during work on “Nunsense” the musical.

Dear Saint Erasmus (Patron Saint of Birth),

There have been many times in my life where I’ve wondered why I was even born. My mom actually got pretty tired of me saying “Why was I ever born? I can’t do anything right,” every time I got in trouble as a child. Since no one has ever given me a definitive answer, I figured I’d take a moment to write to you. You’re pretty good buddies with God and all.

Many thanks ahead of time,

She


Dear She,

Thank you so much for asking such an interesting question. You’d be surprised how often I get such simple questions like, “Why does my baby have two belly buttons?” or “Is it weird that my child was born with a tail?” It’s refreshing to have someone ask a serious question for a change, although tails can be serious.

When I broached the subject with the Almighty after our weekly Friday chess game, he chuckled as soon as I mentioned your name.

“Ah, that She,” he said, “always with the questions. Does she not know by now that she will get no answers by asking?” God seemed quite amused.

“By reading through her chart, I see that she’s thirty years old, Your Highness. Is it odd that she is still asking for the answer to a childhood question?” I asked.

“What she needs to realize is that I put her on earth for many reasons. Each of my humans has many reasons for their placement on earth. She will start to see the answers when she stops questioning everything that is placed before. The answer is inside her and all around her, just as I am.”

So, you see, God wasn’t very forthright with his answer, but I think what he’s trying to say, She, is that you should never question your purpose here or reason for creation. God made you special in his image. It is up to you to show others through your good works, what God has to offer the world.

I hope this answered your question.

Saint Erasmus


Dear Eugene de Mazenod (Patron Saint of Dysfunctional Families),

My family is made up of a bunch of nuts. My mother has always been deeply depressed, has “martyr” syndrome, is very manipulative, and has tried to live vicariously through me in the past. My father is a quiet, laid-back man who allows my mother to wear the pants in the family. He always backs her up on things, even when he knows she is wrong. Then there’s me, who has been a mess since birth. I came out of the womb with my hands in fists and haven’t let go since. I was greatly annoyed at the birth of my brother, 5 years after my entry into this world. The only use I had for him is that I wanted to see his penis. As a 5 year old, I was just learning about such things, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Mom wouldn’t let me. Beyond that, my brother and I have both been diagnosed as Bipolar. So, we have “Martyr Mom” “Ignoring Dad”, “Bipolar She” and “Bipolar Bro”. Why are we such a dysfunctional family that can’t ever seem to fully get along?

Yours,

She


Dear She,

I’ll let you in on a little secret, although I’ll deny it if ever questioned on it. God has his own version of “The Sims” up in Heaven, although it’s aptly named, “The Humans.” This is where he matches up the souls that He creates with other dysfunctional souls. He has a great time up there laughing with John the Apostle and even Jesus on certain occasions. For instance, remember when you were applying to college and your mom said that she’d take you to Disney World if you won one of 12 full-scholarships to your choice of college? And you won? Well, you weren’t actually supposed to win, but God thought it would be funny to mess with all of your minds by giving it to you! First, you thought you were smarter than you really are. Heh. God got a good laugh out of that one. Then, your mother was forced to follow-through on her promise, which she did, but begrudgingly. But, the best part of the whole thing is that that annoying girl you went to college with, Cindy? Remember her? The President of all the clubs, everyone’s best friend, “the girl that was going places”? Well, she really thought she was going to get the scholarship and God thought it would be SUPER funny to give it to you instead of her. And boy was it! You should have seen her father’s face when she only got a lesser scholarship, but the kicker was when he came up to you at the final choir banquet senior year and asked you, in a snotty tone, if you got one, knowing full-well in his mind that there was no way you could have. The look on both of your faces was priceless when you proudly declared your win and he had to tuck his tail (and he was born with a tail—ask Saint Erasmus) between his legs and stalk back to his family’s table.

So you see, God does indeed place us where he wants us to go. Some people get placed where they should go. Others, like you, are placed at whim. Oh well, at least your life has been interesting.

In God’s Love,

Saint Eugene de Mazenod


Dear Saint Catherine of Siena (Patron Saint of Anorexia),

I’m a 30-year-old female. I’ve suffered two bouts of extreme anorexia in my life as well as have been eating-disordered for much of the rest of the time. I do not like food. I never have. I wish I didn’t have to eat to live. I know that I would start losing weight if I started eating, as I have practically no metabolism because of this, but it is still so hard. I’m not “sick” enough to get eating disorder counseling, but I live with these traits every single day.

Back with you lived on earth, you had much the same problem. Can you give me some pointers on how to not do this?

Thanks,

She


Dear She,

You are quite correct. When I was a nun on earth, I routinely denied myself sleep and food. People today would call it insomnia and anorexia. What little I did eat, I would often vomit back up. I was especially known for my ability to have long fasts. I believed I was doing this for Christ the Lord. Today’s doctors would argue that my death at 33 by a stroke was caused by my lack of nutrition. I simply say that the Father called me home at the same age as Jesus.

So, I can’t really help you out in terms of how to eat better. I always found fasting much more satisfying. Perhaps I can show your letter to a friend up here, Thomas Aquinas. He was so large from food that he had small semi-circles cut in his table so that he could get closer to the food. I’ll see if he can send you a response.

Good Luck my Child,

Saint Catherine of Siena


Dear Saint Maria Goretti, (Patron Saint of Sexual Assault)

You were assaulted at age 19. I was assaulted at age 22. Your testimony says that you were able to forgive the man that did this to you. Not only did he try to rape you, but he choked you and stabbed you several times. You survived in the hospital for two days then passing away, but not before you forgave your attacker. It’s been much more than 2 days for me, almost 8 years in fact. How am I supposed to forgive someone that premeditatedly drugged me and raped me? How can I forgive him for taking away 7 years of my life before I was able to confront this horrible event? How can I be happy for him that he is married while I am still alone? Please, St. Maria, any guidance would be helpful.

Yours,

She


Dear She,

Forgiveness is all relative. One person may be able to forgive quickly because they know that that is God’s will for them. It may take others quite a while to process the event. I only lived two days and I knew my Heavenly Father was calling me home. I didn’t have much time to be angry over this event. I was happy that I would be going to Heaven. I knew that this terrible event was going to in turn cause this wonderful event, my ascent to Heaven. You will find this own parallel in your life. This terrible event has caused you to seek out other survivors. You’ve made your own Survivor Website and Message Board to help others and you are making a horrible thing into a way to make change. I think you are already on your way to forgiveness of your rapist, but first you must forgive yourself.

Sending you peaceful dreams,

Saint Maria Goretti


Dear Saint Catherine of Sweden (Patron Saint Against Abortion),

As you know I was raped in 2000 and decided to have an abortion as a result of becoming pregnant. I know that God has forgiven me many times over, but I am still learning to forgive myself. I feel that I made the best decision I could at the time and that God knew what was in my heart.

Will I ever be able to fully forgive myself? I am worried that although God has forgiven me, if I become pregnant again, He will punish me by causing me a miscarriage or my baby will be born with some kind of ailment. I’m terrified of this. What should I do?

Thank you,

She


Dear She,

The God of the New Testament is not a punishing God but a teaching God. If you have already learned your lesson, He will not have to re-school you again. God is the only one who knows what kind soul will get to inhabit your motherly body if/when you are ready for a child. Trust in Him.

All My Love,

St. Catherine of Sweden


Dear Holy Innocents (Patron Saints of Babies),

I have a very important question to ask, and I think you are just the young men to ask. I read that you were all condemned to death simply because you were male babies under the year of two, as King Herrod wanted the baby Jesus killed. It was simply unthinkable that this happened to you. My only solace is that you were able to join God in Heaven when Jesus died on the cross for our sins.

Because you were completely innocent of sin and any wrongdoing, I would like to know if my little soul is up there in Heaven too? I’d like to think she is.

Yours,

She


Dear She,

We appreciate your choosing us to write too. It’s not often that we are called upon.

In Ezekiel 18:4, God says, “For every living soul belongs to me, the father as well as the son--both alike belong to me. The soul who sins is the one who will die.”

Since your little soul was completely innocent and without sin, we believe he/she is here with us in Heaven. Someday, if you repent for your humanly sins, you will see your child again.

With eternal love,

The Holy Innocents


Dear St Genesius (Patron Saint of Performers),

Thank you for watching over my friends and I as we perform in our shows. I ask you to please keep the “Sisters” in “Nunsense” in your vision as they spread the joys of Catholicism for the next month.

Yours,

She


Dear She,

As a performer in my time, I came to my Sainthood in the middle of a performance for Emperor Diocletian in Rome. I portrayed a catechumen about to be baptized in a play satirizing the Christian sacrament. In the midst of the ceremony I felt God’s calling and converted to Christianity. When presented to the Emperor, I declared my Christianity. Diocletian was enraged and turned me over to Plautian, prefect of the praetorium, who tortured me in an effort to force me to sacrifice to the pagan gods. When I persisted in my faith, I was beheaded.

Not only do I serve God, but I watch over fellow performers. Letter your Little Sisters of Hoboken know that I’ll be watching.

Break a Leg,

Saint Genesius


St Valentine (Patron Saint of Lovers),

It is of you that I ask my final question. As you know, I’ve had a tumultuous love life. At 30, I finally feel that God has handed me the one I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with. If this is true, please watch over us as God watches over our love. I want to finally be happy with the one who completes me.

Thanks,

She


Dearest She,

I too hope you have found the love of your life, next to God of course (that’s a little Heavenly humor). I will gladly watch over you and your loved one and give it my blessing.

With love,

Saint Valentine